Realizing Dad was right

Back in my old life, I had the persistent, nagging feeling of not being able to keep up with my own life. For the first year or so after moving, that feeling left me, but it's back. When I think about it, it's been back since the installation of the new heating (that link gives the most recent post first. Scroll down if you want to read the whole saga).

That project nearly killed me, and it isn't finished yet. After the ridiculously intensive work of replacing all the floors in the house and the joy of finally having our new heating installed and working, we still had the job of insulating under the floors. Since the heating was connected up from below, the insulation had to be added after that, and from below. I really struggled with that job (I'll tell you about it someday) and when I got back from helping Dad with his house in Cornwall, I just couldn't face it any more. It still isn't finished.

As well as the insulation, I still have the solar panels to do before the heating project's finished. These have been hanging over me, making me feel guilty about doing other things. We've also had crazy/miserable weather this year (I expect you have, too) which has made gardening less attractive, so I've been feeling guilty about not doing that as well. The end result is that I sit around feeling guilty and don't get anything done.

I've always found to-do lists oppressive, with the items I haven't crossed off hanging around for months and making me feel guilty. Since I'm already feeling so guilty, and with so many things filling my head, I felt the need to write it all down, if only to show Ian why I'm feeling so stressed. I did this last week and now I'm going to show you as well.

1. String up peas
2. sow more peas, and beans, and replacement carrots, and fennel, and broccoli
3. plant out French beans
4. pot on tomatoes
5. clear ash out of tapped bucket (missing trowel) and start making comfrey tea
6. improve slug defences for brassicas and strawberries
7. inspect and register septic tank
8. unblock kitchen drain
9. arrange book club meeting (choose book)
10. finish camera bag (find suitable washers)
11. seal bathroom floor
12. paint kitchen cupboard doors
13. add decoration to kitchen cupboards
14. clear, level and lay kitchen floor
15. ditto hall floor (edging strips)
16. brick arch over fireplace (get more bricks)
17. strip rest of wallpaper
18. plaster around fireplace
19. remove radiator
20. paint sitting room walls
21. empty room, lift carpet, sand and polish floor
22. clean up beam
23. make and install solar panels
24. finish insulation and ceiling in store room
25. loft insulation
26. rig up doorbell
27. put cupboards/shelves in store room
28. renovate boots
29. harvest oak leaves; make cordial and wine (get more buckets)
30. ditto elderflowers
31. sorrel cordial?
32. pull up rest of horsetail for plant food/blight treatment
33. paint dresser
34. finish making laundry basket
35. mend laundry bag
36. mend trousers and skirts (mine and Ian’s)
37. make new woodstore roof
38. weave bench seat from leylandii offcuts
39. treat wooden chairs for outdoor use
40. put extra shelf in airing cupboard
41. finish plastic bag sandals
42. take lavender cuttings
43. replace tent poles
44. clear out fridge
45. book musician for September
46. ?confirm booking for October (enquire about other buildings)
47. book musician for November
48. rewrite music website in nice tidy code
49. tidy up archive
50. publicity for July music
51. collect wild garlic seeds when ready and sow
52. ditto pak choi, cabbage, probably onion and parsnip too
53. write blog posts
54. find out about greenhouse for sale; ?dismantle, move and assemble
55. make press for sawdust briquettes
56. make solar dehydrator
57. get sawdust; make briquettes
58. fix spare room skirting boards
59. bedroom ceiling
60. fix cornices
61. paint wardrobe
62. fix wardrobe
63. strip/paint bedroom walls
64. fix kitchen cupboard door
65. learn Welsh
66. plan and prepare dinner EVERY DAY
67. WASH UP!

The immediate result of me writing the list was my own reaction: I can't do all that! This is what Dad said to me last year when I was worrying about the garden: You don't have to do everything all at once. He was right, of course.

I have decided to give myself a break over the garden. The weather's lousy this year and the slugs are rampant, so maybe I should just accept that this is going to be a bad year for gardening. Then I can stop worrying about it and focus on the house instead. In terms of saving money, getting the solar panels and insulation done will probably be worth more than growing veggies, anyway.

Having decided not to worry about the garden, I then found it a lot easier to focus on other jobs (helped by Ian's desire to get those jobs done). The kitchen is looking a lot better than in was when I wrote that list, even though I didn't quite manage to get the floor laid before the in-laws came to visit.