About this blog

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Wales, United Kingdom
In autumn 2010, my husband Ian and I both quit our jobs, sold our house and left the flatlands of the east for the mountains of Wales. Our goal is to create a more self-sufficient lifestyle in a place we actually like living. Whilst Ian will continue to earn some money as a freelancer, my part of the project is to reduce how much we spend by growing and making as much of what we need as possible. The purpose of this blog is to keep friends updated with how the grand project is progressing, but all are welcome here. If you're not a friend already, well perhaps you might become one.

Sunday, 2 November 2014

Ugh

The thing I hate most about depression - apart from the sluggishness and not caring about anything - is that it makes me stupid. I can't concentrate, I get (even more) absent minded, I forget things. Then stuff like this happens:


Glass cover removed from solar panel when it was sunny, forgotten about, then blown over when it was windy.

Then I hate myself for being so stupid, and I just want to cry.

12 comments:

  1. I've been there, I know how you feel. Have you ever tried 5HTP? I've taken it, and I find it really, really helps. Chin up.

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    1. Thanks, Rachel. No, I haven't tried 5HTP - I'll look into it.

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  2. Please don't beat yourself up over this it's simply not worth it. I love your foraging and home brew blogs, but most of all I love your d.i.y projects; sometimes, dare I say, bodge it yourself but please don't take offence it wasn't meant to be an insult! it just demonstrates your resourcefulness and "can do" attitude using materials and tools that you have to hand. I hope you get through it okay.

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    1. Thanks. No, I don't feel insulted at all by 'bodgery' - that's exactly what I do! I'm glad you enjoy reading about it -)

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  3. Been there, done that, wore the T-shirt so much it faded in the wash ... as John says don't beat yourself up. I know, that's a much help as a chocolate teapot. Hope you can get it fixed without too much grief & expense.

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    1. Thanks. It's nice to know people understand.

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  4. Oh how I know what you mean about the stupid. Would it help to hear of someone being more stupid?

    Our washing machine developed a fault. Error code said blockage in the drain system. So over the course of two nights hubby and I took it to pieces searching for the blockage. Nothing. So it must be that the pump wasn't working any more, according to the "internet". Ordered a new pump for £50. Waited for pump to arrive, all while not been able to wash anything, 6 adults living in this house. Pump arrives, fitted it. First wash, error code displayed, blockage in the system. I don't even remember if we checked the drain pipe again. In desperation we go out and buy a new washing machine, nearly £400. Brought it home, installed it, set it going. Ha, blessed relief, I can catch up with my washing now. Error code comes up. Blockage in the drainage system. It can't be. Then one of us thinks to check the pipe under the sink. Blocked with a metal twist tie and a load of fluff. All that money wasted. But the real clincher was the next day when I phoned up to register the new washing machine and the guy told me the old one still had 4 months warranty left on it. We could have got it fixed for free. Stupid doesn't even cover what I felt and the next day I was at the doctors admitting I can't battle this bout of depression on my own. (there was an awful lot of tears during this episode.)

    I love your blog, you are living a life that I can only dream of and I love your honesty, especially about the Depression.

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    1. Oh, poor you! I can totally relate to those tears. I hope your doctor was able to help you get through it.

      I'm glad you enjoy the blog :-)

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  5. Haven't minded Blogger in a while and surprised to find this post. Sorry you've had it rough. I know first hand how it feels and hope you have rediscovered your usual joie de vivre.

    It may seem to some like airing your "dirty laundry" to talk about depression in a public forum like a blog, but bottling it up is so much worse.

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    1. Yes, I do air my dirty laundry in public (and looking over the top of my computer screen, I can see a selection of underwear hanging on the back of a chair drying, but that's clean, so that's a different matter!) and whilst I very much appreciate the supportive comments, it's not primarily for my benefit.

      We have a culture of dealing with problems privately combined with social media platforms for self presentation. The result is that what people see of others can be a constant stream of success and happiness. We get the impression that everyone else is doing better than us, which can lead to low self-esteem, isolation and unhappiness. Quite why we fail to take account of self-presentation behaviour, I don't know, but that's the way it is. It's always been this way to some extent - we have the impression that everyone else's houses are cleaner are tidier than our own, forgetting that we always clean up before people come round - but social media magnifies the effect. Presenting oneself as happy is likely to make other people less happy.

      On top of that, there is still a stigma around mental illness. I wonder whether you'd have made the "dirty laundry" comment if I'd been incapacitated by a broken leg, rather than depression? It wasn't that long ago that mental illness was liable to get one locked up in an asylum, out of the way of polite society. I was talking to a friend the other day who has depression, but isn't going to her doctor about it because she's scared she won't be taken seriously. I wanted to reassure her, but in all honesty, couldn't. I can't be sure that her doctor would give her the treatment she needs. Mental health services in this country are severely underfunded relative to both physical health services and to need. A lot of people suffer alone because the support isn't there. We need a cultural shift, and part of that is bringing mental health problems out into the open. A lot of people suffer from them and get better again, either through natural recovery or with treatment. We need more understanding, and that is achieved through talking about it.

      Personally, I have never broken a bone and experienced wearing a plaster cast while it mends, but because I've heard people talking about it, I know they get very itchy. I also know not to say to someone just two weeks later, "I hope you're fighting fit again." I know it takes longer than that to recover from a broken arm. We don't talk about depression as much, so it's less widely known that it dulls the mental faculties. This can be very distressing for both the person experiencing it (feeling stupid is not nice, and it's even worse if you can't identify a cause) and for those close to them, who may not understand why a normally intelligent, capable person seem is making such stupid mistakes.

      Apart from all that, it just makes you feel less like a freak to know that other people have similar experiences.

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  6. Somehow I missed your comment notification, but never mind that.

    Thanks for your reply and the link too. Oddly enough, I experience what the article detailed just a little while ago. I always think my best friend is so put together and okay (perfect really) compared to me. Tonight though, she gave me editing privileges on her blog and I read the post to clean it up, twice. It was amazed and a bit sad to think that things she was doing and seeming happy at the time, wasn't really what was satisfying after all. The post was about eating out and budgeting. Now, had I know she wasn't happy spending money on eating out, perhaps I could nudged her some and helped her to cut down. As it stands, I had no idea that her love of good food was something she had difficulty reconciling with her love of frugality.

    It's true that a broken leg doesn't seem like "dirty laundry", but that's likely too, because it's rather obvious. I mean you can see the cast and hardly anyone would feel like they have to hide a broken leg in shame. It's fine to hobble along the street. On the other hand, I've been taken to task by complete strangers because I look so serious and tense - likely my state on my mind shows on my face. Why would they say anything? Perhaps because as the article suggested, it's not okay to be unhappy as it makes others feel uncomfortable as well. Come to think of it, it's quite annoying when someone says to you: "Smile!" without doing anything to trigger an emotion that would make you do so. I can't just manufacture the most "user friendly" emotions on cue. We're none of us machines and even gadgets have their off days (ha ha, another story in itself).

    I do often feel like a freak because of my depression. It's a daily battle for me and yes it does help to know that I'm not the dreaded "ONLY ONE". I do think it's high time we stop shaming people for their weaknesses. A sort of "Let him without flaw cast the first stone." Any bet the paths will stay nice and rocky. It's wonderful though, to have someone help you stumble along. That's a lesson I came face first into this week - don't be ashamed to ask for help. It's not an easy way out at all; in fact, I know, it's downright hard.

    Cheers and warm wishes for you as it continues to be cold.

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